The Glass of Water

A lecturer was giving a lecture to his student on stress management. He raised a glass of water and asked the audience, “How heavy do you think this glass of water is?”

The students’ answers ranged from 20g to 500gm.  
                       
 It does not matter on the absolute weight. It depends on how long you hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it is OK. If I hold it for an hour, I will have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance.

It is the exact same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, we will not be able to carry on, the burden becoming increasingly heavier.

What you have to do is to put the glass down, rest for a while before holding it up again. We have to put down the burden periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on.

So today at some point - put the burden down.  You can pick it up again tomorrow if you need to. Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders, let it down for a moment if you can. Pick it up again later when you have rested.

Recently I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, and we were talking about Starbucks reward cards. She had been poorly of late, and I offered to go and get the coffees and take them round to hers. “Swing by” she said “and pick up my reward card, so that I can get the points”.

Now if you didn’t know, Starbucks register each visit you make, and you build up the points until you qualify for a Gold card status. Not really sure what you get exactly, but my friend is close to the gold status and is keen to get there sooner rather than later.

I knew there was no point in arguing about it (she can be very persuasive!) although I did protest.  However, after getting the coffees, the conversation continued and I begun to feel quite agitated, mostly by the need to manage yet another ‘loyalty’ card. In fact, I then went onto to rant about how I now seemed to spend more time carrying out administrative duties for company’s services than I have ever had to do in the past.  

It was the look on her face that told me I was over reacting, and indeed I was, at which point I apologised and parked the topic.

Fortunately, my friend knows me very well.

But the point is, I was getting really agitated over something that was in fact very unimportant, so I knew that there was something much bigger going on, as I rarely get that cross these days. J 

I wonder how long I had been carrying around that burden!

So, what sort of issues cause your blood to boil, your heart to sink, your tummy to churn?

In a recent poll I carried out, https://www.facebook.com/#!/KimSearleHypnotherapy,  money seems to be the biggest stressor for people followed closely by time, or both and made me think about what causes stress.

Major Events

Everyone understands (and is probably more sympathetic) if stress is brought about by external events such as  bereavement, loss of a job, divorce, or illness. These events can wreak havoc in our life and threaten everything we have come to believe about ourselves and our lives. For most people there is usually plenty of support available from loved ones, and society to help us through this difficult time. These events tend to occur infrequently, and as a result, long term health effects can be minimal.

Daily Hassles

But could it be the daily hassles that cause us stress?

You know the sort of thing, the daily, minor irritations such as misplacing your car keys when you are in a hurry, traffic jams, minor arguments with family/colleagues, lack of sleep, job dissatisfaction, time pressures, money etc.  Research by Lazarus and Folkman (1984), at the University of California, indicated that it was these daily hassles rather than the major life events that affected us the most. 

Any constant, daily frustration caused by these hassles can result in our body frequently responding to what it sees as a threat, by releasing doses of adrenaline to help us react with the fight or flight¹ response.  Because these events occur so regularly, they become a natural part of our life, the constant release of Adrenaline which is not then used, can overtime, potentially begin to undermine our health. (Regular coughs and colds, headaches, poorly tummy etc).

And yet for many people even these daily hassles, are something that most people have learnt to live with, and do not experience any side effects.

Internal Stressors

Internal stressors, however, are more insidious stressors. These are caused by our own internal processes, and invariably we are completely unaware of their presence and effect.  

These internal stressors are like the programmes on your computer, happily running away in the background, and you only know they are there, when you experience difficulties. They can cause us to be have in ways that perversely lead to stress. Expectations of how we should be behave, finding that we 'believe' we can't do some things or constantly pleasing everyone, but ourselves. As we nearer Christmas, these internal stressors can become even louder when everyone has expectations of what a good Christmas should be, the need to make the whole event perfect for everyone or just endeavouring to keep everyone happy.

These internal stressors are more difficult to identify and then address, as it calls for some honesty in what we ask our selves and this is where hypnotherapists can help. We can find out if there are any internal programmes running that may be creating even more hassle for you than necessary, for example:-

·         Our own expectations of how things should be (particularly at Christmas)

·         Our belief in our abilities

·         Perfectionism

·         People pleasing

·         Low self esteem

·         Believing we have no control

·         Believing everyone else is better than we are

·         Lack of self belief

·         Lack of confidence

We can all recognise the major events in our lives that cause stress and have access to extra support. We can even recognise when the day to day hassles are beginning to be an issue and the various distraction techniques we employ help keep us sane.
But it is probably the internal stressors, that are running away quietly in the background that we need to be more mindful of.
If you think you may have an internal stressor causing you a problem, or carrying more than your fair share of the load of  life, then a chat costs nothing. Give me a call, or drop me an email and let’s start to explore what is really going on for you.

It doesn’t matter when you call, just that you do!

NB: Stress is an individualistic, subjective experience and therefore what one person finds stressful another may not. 

¹ flight or fight - http://psychology.about.com/od/findex/g/fight-or-flight-response.htm

"Come on! Come on! Start!..." The Immortal Words of John Cleese

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78b67l_yxUc

John Cleese...Fawlty Towers....hitting the car with a branch....

A very funny scene when his car stalls and he can't get it started again, at which point he starts to lose his temper!

And who of us, has not been frustrated with a piece of machinery or equipment at one time or another? Felt under pressure to do something, behave in a certain way or be something we are not? And most of us have experienced a health issue that has prevented us doing something we need or want to.

STRESS

It means so many different things to people.

In a good way it can drive us forwards to achieve what we need to achieve, to do what we need to do, or be who we need to be.

Stress is only a problem when it becomes consistent over a period of time, and/or increases beyond our (perceived) ability to cope. And even at this point, it is just the body's early warning system that something needs to change.

If we do not recognise these early warnings and just carry on, believing we have no choice, then we can begin to store problems up for ourselves. Our ability to think clearly, our emotional state and even our physical wellbeing becomes increasingly volatile, haphazard, clumsy (making mistakes, bursts of uncontrolled emotions or increase in accidents and illness).

In the next  Journey's of Discovery workshop in January, we will be looking at how we can identify our own personal stressors and what we can do about it. And over the next  few blogs, I will explore the typical reasons for stress, what happens in the body when we get stressed and the latest thinking about how to manage it for yourself.

Look for me on Twitter to see nuggets of information, Facebook for polls and links to other sites that may be of use or call me if you want help with Stress.

It doesn't much matter when you get in touch, just that you do.

Who Do You Think You Are? Updated

I have been preparing for the first in my series of workshops called Journey's of Discoveries, "Who Do You Think You Are?" starting on Thursday 1st November in Basingstoke.

In this first one, I am going to talk about personality types and how we all differ.

We are each of us unique, and whilst this evening looks at just one model of how we can measure this, (based on Myers Briggs Type Indicator) there are so many ways that we can we differ.

Myers Briggs, (a mother and daughter psychologist) used Carl Jung's theory of archetypes and developed  a more usuable format for everyday life by identifying 4 key preferences

• How we re-charge our batteries
• How we communicate with the world
• How we make decisions
• How we live our life.

Within each of these areas, there are 2 opposites ends of a spectrum and altogether Myers Briggs suggest there are 16 'types' which enable us to identify our preferences.

And it is here that I issue my own health warning! Any model that tries to 'pigeon hole' us, say who or what we are should be used with caution, as it can only ever be a guideline. We are, each of us , complex human beings, and always much more than any model says we are. For example, for many of us, who we are as parents maybe different to the person we are at work or  when with  friends. It really does beg the question "Who do you think you are?"

We had a brilliant evening walking through our different preferences and discussing how we work, and just as importantly how others do! Fortunately the group was large enough to have some of each type which made it more interesting.

If you would like to find out what your preference is for each of these, then drop me an note and I will send you out the questionnaire.

Two Frogs in a Milk Churn

Two frogs

This is the story of two frogs. One frog was fat and the other skinny. One day, while searching for food, they inadvertently jumped into a milk churn. They couldn't get out, as the sides were too slippery, so they were just swimming around.

The fat frog said to the skinny frog, "Brother frog, there's no use paddling any longer. We're just going to drown, so we might as well give up." The skinny frog replied, "Hold on brother, keep paddling. Somebody will get us out." And they continued paddling for hours.

After a while, the fat frog said, "Brother frog, there's no use. I'm becoming very tired now. I'm just going to stop paddling and drown. It's Sunday and nobody's working. We're doomed. There's no possible way out of here." But the skinny frog said, "Keep trying. Keep paddling. Something will happen, keep paddling." Another couple of hours passed.

The fat frog said, "I can't go on any longer. There's no sense in doing it because we're going to drown anyway. What's the use?" And the fat frog stopped. He gave up. And he drowned in the milk. But the skinny frog kept on paddling.

A little while later, the skinny frog felt something solid beneath his feet. He had churned the milk into butter giving him something to help him hop out of the vat and to safety.



In this story the fat frog believes that there is no use, “it’s Sunday and nobody’s working” that they “were just going to drown”. I wonder how he come to that decision?

Have you ever wondered how you make decisions? You know the ones such as the instant ones, whether to ring a friend or get a drink; others that require some thought, like what you are going to do later or how you are going to get from A to B; to those that need more effort, like where to go on holiday or which car to buy, where to live etc.

We make decisions every day and generally without thinking about how we make them, but have you really thought about it? I mean really ever thought about HOW you make them?

If you are anything like me, then you won’t have done….you just make them. And yet it can be a powerful thing to understand.

So, yes we will reason, learn all the facts, take into account practicalities and weigh up choices before making that decision…all very important stuff, but all that is doing is providing you the evidence for your decision, it is not the decision itself…does that make sense? A decision is actually that split second moment where you are still deciding and then you move to having done so. In that fraction of time, something else has helped us make the final decision.

In the story above, the fat frog made a decision that they were “doomed”, and certainly there was a possibility that they were, but the real issue was that he made a decision to give up. But based on what?

Behind our decision making, there are a number of complex processes that takes place within the body, which involves our beliefs (the rules we live by), our values (what is important to us), our emotions and our own past experience.

Beliefs (or the rules we live by) then, tend to have been learnt during our lifetime and they are very powerful as they do not tend to be based on reality, just something that we hold to be true. They may not even be our own beliefs, just ones we have inherited from other influential people in our lives and that may not always be a good thing!

In most cases our beliefs work well for us, (fire will burn, the sun is warm, our family love us) but as in the case of the Fat Frog, sometimes they do not.

During my training as a Cognitive Hypnotherapist, we were shown 3 types of belief issues that may arise when seeing clients:

·         Hopelessness – Where a person believes a positive outcome is not possible, so why  even try

·         Helplessness – Where a person believes that they are not able to do something

·         Worthlessness – Where a person believes they don’t deserve something/someone and then sabotage anything that may prove the belief wrong.

Part of our role as a Cognitive Hypnotherapists is to get to those underlying unhelpful beliefs that may no longer working for  the client and explore different ways in helping the client to change them. Beliefs that can result in decision making may not be full of confidence, may cause undue stress and anxiety or comes from low self esteem.

In my Journey’s of Discovery series, I look at the different ways we react in our world, including decision making. If you would like to know more come along to the event on 1^st November in Basingstoke, check out the details here https://www.facebook.com/#!/events/279363592183467/ . Alternatively you could call me now on 07843 271 249 to discuss how we might be able to work together or just like  my FB page to keep up to date with what is going on https://www.facebook.com/#!/KimSearleHypnotherapy

Who can forget Matt Lucas’ Hypnotist character Kenny Craig and his immortal words  “Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don't look around my eyes, look into my eyes….you're under “

Most people’s impressions of hypnotherapy, comes from similar stage and TV shows, as well as from the idea of an old man using a pocket watch to induce a hypnotherapeutic trance.

"So what is hypnotherapy?" I am asked frequently. 

Whilst I cannot remember the first time I was hypnotised formally, I do know that the hypnotic state (also known in the trade as a trance) is one that I and many others, easily move in and out of on a regular basis during the day.

You know what I am talking about, particularly when I say have you ever found yourself having driven for several miles without being aware of doing so.

Or maybe you have been so engrossed in doing something you had no idea where the time has gone?

Perhaps you have been concentrating on what you were doing, and someone has said something that made you jump, because you have been completely unaware of what is going on around you.

This is the altered state or trance which results when a person narrows their focus of attention.

I like to close my eyes when I am hypnotised, purely  because I can focus on what is being said and to limit the distraction of everything around me, but I have seen people who prefer to keep their eyes open, only closing them once they feel comfortable to do so. 

Usually there is some form of induction, (although this is not always necessary) that helps the client relax and to get in the right state. This might be something like "And as you sit there with your eyes closed, you can begin to relax, noticing your breathing, in...and out and with each easy breath in you can begin to ...." once the client is relaxed, a Cognitive Hypnotherapist (my particular training of hypnotherapy) will then move onto the desired positive states that has been discussed with you.

They say that your mind is like a parachute - best when open, and in this instance it is true. 

Whilst your conscious mind keeps busy with what is being said (your desired state, using your words), your unconscious mind focuses on the meanings that are relevant for you and this is what makes it completely unique for you - clever eh? And this approach works for most things, more happiness, greater peace, calm, relaxation, more confidence, less stress, anxiety, as well as typical issues such as phobia's and habits etc.

To end the session, you will either be counted back into the room, or something like "and with each deep breath  you take you can feel more energised and ready to come back to the now"

Contrary to popular opinion, you are in control at all times. I have been known to open my eyes to discuss something that came up during a  session, and after having dealt with it, closed my eyes re-entering a state of relaxation.

Responses to the hypnotic state can vary from  drifting away to somewhere very lovely, to remaining conscious all the way through.

Invariably, the hypnosis may not seem long enough!

KimSearleHypnotherapy

The Night Visitor

I had found evidence of the intruder in the middle of the night.

It was the earlier hours of the morning, and I had needed to go to the bathroom. It was mid September and there was a light chill in the air, as I climbed out of bed and hurried to the bathroom. I noticed immediately the shadow sitting on the window sill, the dark shape resting on the various pieces of paper, just sitting there, telling me it's own story. I carefully avoided touching the evidence, not sure that I exactly wanted to let loose the potential terror of what lie beneath.

I knew straight away of course, but sometimes denial is better than knowing, so I went back to bed quietly.

The next morning I checked the window sill and noticed it was still there, taunting me and I could resist no longer!

I spoke with my daughter as soon as she awoke "What happened?" I asked. She looked at me, and shivered. " Mum" she said, " it was horrible!" She paled as she related the tale to me, " I was just going to lie down for the evening, and just as I was going to turn out the light, I saw something scurry across the bottom of my bed! I quickly turned on the light, and saw it! It was awful! It was so big, I have never seen one that size before, but it was gone before I could do anything!" I sat there beginning to understand, " go on" I said already knowing what was coming, but wanting to hear the details. "Well I couldn't go to bed then could I? Not knowing where it was. What would happen if it crawled on me? Or if I swallowed it?" OK I thought, now it was my turn to shiver, I am not phobic or overly scared of them, but I certainly I could appreciate what she was saying as if I was already there.

"So what did you do then?" I asked.

"I spent the next hour searching the whole bedroom, and I was getting to the point where I was going to come in and sleep with you, when I found it! I was so scared, that I wanted to make sure it was gone for good, so covered it up, and using the paper, I got rid of it!"

"Well that is good then, isn't it." I said, knowing how brave she had been.

" Not really" she replied, " I have spent the night waking up worried that there might be more!"

I looked at her with some sympathy, knowing that she managed her fear of spiders very well, but at night it could all seem much worse.

I looked at her and smiled " I would love to chat to you about that"

Who do you know who experiences a spider phobia or  night terrors who would like to let that go? Happy to have a chat about that :)

Picture courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How to be put off...Kayaking

It started as a beautiful day...I managed to get up in good time and in good spirits, as I headed out to the venue where I was going to have my introductory kayaking session.

I had been kayaking a few years back, a crowd of us, paddling along the river Thames near Reading. That was also a lovely day. We took some drinks with us and some snacks and paddled up the river for a few hours. It was idyllic; as cruise boats sailed past us, smaller punts, and even other rowers…the river was very busy. I am not sure now how far we went, but we even went through a lock which was possibly the scariest part, as we remained in our kayaks along with the larger boats.

So I had no reason to think this experience would be any different.

As I arrived at the canal, early for a change, I had time to take in my surroundings. The trees were beautifully green, and the grass was a healthy colour too, after the rains we have had recently. There were signs about the local bat community, which I read with interest having been on a bat walk some years ago. Nearby, a man was preparing his boats for the cruises that take place along the canal, starting up engines, removing covers, bringing them to life. Sounds of a day beginning.

As I enjoyed the tranquillity of being near water, I noticed I was not quite in the right place, because over to my right, further along the canal, I could see that some boats had appeared on the bank. So I headed up towards them, and then saw a building that was obviously where all the kayaks were stored. In front were 2 women, one of which immediately addressed me “are you kim?”  I was in the right place and there was one other woman it seemed who was going to join me in the taster session.

The instructor/coach was very good, she showed us how to make sure the bung was in the kayak (this ensured that water could be let out of the boat at the end of the session, so consequently was important to make sure no water got in either!); how to move the footplate so that our legs were firm against the sides of the boat; how to get in (easy when on solid ground!) and how to hold the paddles.

After this we were ready…together we helped each other take the boats down to the water’s edge. There was a small pier onto which the instructor showed us to first lay the paddle down within reach of the water, before moving the boat between the paddle and the water’s edge, but still on the pier. We were then to step down onto the pier and slide the boat into the water. So far, so good.

Then the time came to get in…ah! My first challenge. I knew that since I was last in a kayak my proportions were somewhat greater, but I knew that I had done it before with no problems; surely this would be no different?

Well, not entirely true, as it turned out. The idea was to put your feet either side of the kayak and then lift yourself in quickly. Fear was building, and as a consequence, I made an inelegant entry into the boat which rocked just a little more than I would have liked. Only slightly wet, I was at least in the water! Pushing away from the bank with my paddle, I moved into the centre of the canal. Up close the water was less than inviting. Very murky, brown/green algae clearly making up most of the content.

“Ok” says the instructor, “remember if you tip over, stay in your boat until you are upside down and then come out”. Now that seemed easier to say than do, I thought looking at the water, I can’t open my eyes under water in the local pool, never mind in this water, so there was not much chance of doing that here! I just prayed I stayed upright!

Well I sort of did…my challenge it would seem was to go in a straight-line. I was paddling really well…but in circles! As I moved down the canal doing very fancy circles, I was at least beginning to enjoy myself, imagining when I would be one of the proficient ones, enjoying some time on the canal. Only I must have got a little too confident, because I did something, and even now I am not sure what, and the boat did start to tip…just as I started to panic…that water was soooo not inviting. Whole swathes of water entered my boat with me, and I became drenched from the waist down…but the boat steadied itself and I was saved. “You’re alright! That happens” shouted the coach to me from further down the canal where my fellow student was taking to kayaking like a duck to water…staying upright, and going in a straight line. Whilst I was struggling to go in a straight line, I was beginning to wonder what I was doing…was I enjoying this…not as much as I had before, it seemed and that near miss had meant that now I was tense in case it happened again, suddenly my experience was a little less than enjoyable. Then the instructor, clearly seeing I needed help,  let down some small device that acted as a rudder – and this made all the difference! I was now going in a straight line, and the sloshing of water around my feet, didn’t bother me any more –I was really kayaking and began to enjoy myself again!

We paddled around a small island before heading back to the pier.

And then it hit me – I had to get out!

Panic set in, I knew even from my previous experience, this was not a pleasant moment, and I needed help and there was none here! “ Don’t worry” the instructor shouted after giving the instructions of what to do, “ the worst thing that can happen is you fall in”. She had no idea how much that was the worst thing!

I was closest to the bank, so I was to go first. Bringing the kayak up to the pier’s edge, I gripped the front of the opening where I sat, and tried to find a way where I could hold the pier and pull myself out….this is where, I found that combination of lack of arm strength and excess weight played against me…I did not have what it took to lift myself out! More encouragement from the water, was not helping me. I couldn’t find a way of pulling myself out, without making a complete tit of myself…but that was much better than falling in the water. So I launched myself out of the kayak and I now understand what the saying ‘a beached whale’ must really be like – I was on my knees, my bum proudly in the air, my hands grabbing for purchase between the planks, and my right cheek firmly on the pier. But I was safe! I had done it! Unceremoniously maybe, definitely undignified, and a complete lack of grace (which my fellow student managed with some aplomb – grrrr).

But despite that, I felt good about having just completed my taster session. I had been humiliated, soaked and in fear but I had done it!

We wrapped up the session wiping down the boat, and after we had put them away, the instructor pointed to a water tap and said “ you must always wash your hands afterwards”. She should have stopped there, I would have been ok with that, ignorance is bliss and all that. I knew what the water was like, I didn’t need any more, but clearly she hadn’t finished…” you have to do this, because of rat’s wee” she said nonchantly “ they carry a potential virus, which could be quite nasty, so washing your hands is the most important thing you must do when you finish.” Her happy go lucky smile face asked “Will we see you next week?” I went pale before wanting to flee to the showers, to remove all my clothing, and scrub myself thoroughly.

It was the mention of rodents that did it, up to that point, all my training could be brought to bear on the confidence of getting in and out of the boat, of the fear of dealing with being submerged in that water….but the idea of rat’s,  urine and viral infections did it. I would not be going back. I felt tainted – yuck -my kayaking days were well and truly over before they started.

Am off now to find another water sport, where I can forget the idea of rat’s, rodents or any other small creatures.

Gut Wrenching Emotion

Living so close to the motorway and a major A road, the sound of sirens are an everyday part of life. As I sat working recently, I heard a siren, which only just barely made my conscious awareness. the second one made me look up to see if I could tell where they were heading, mere curiousity now,  almost a casual observer to events that were completely disconnected from me, that were happening out there, in the world beyond my immediate neighbourhood.

It was only as I notice the next siren, the 4th, 5th and 6th siren did a cold finger of dread worm its way up from my unconscious, through my body, and into my chest. I felt a clutch of fear grab at my heart, and I turned cold, as I strained to hear which direction they were headed in.

My immediate thoughts were to place all my loved ones, and friends or family, to think whether they would be on the roads or not, but it did not detract from that gut wrenching emotion that weighed heavy all the way into my chest....and only as the sirens ceased did I sense the feelings begin to subside.

This reaction, almost an abreaction, to those numerous sirens, harks back to an event barely 2 years ago when my youngest was involved in a car accident. It was close to home, and on that occasion I never heard the sirens...I was asleep. I was woken with a call and that was the beginning of my own personal nightmare, that brought death very close to my door.

Whilst the outcome for my family was a miraculous one, I can instantly be transported back to the events of that night, just by hearing multiple sirens,  feeling my insides squeezed together as I imagine the potential carnage those paramedics, police and fire crews must face.

In the world of therapy, this is what is known as a Significant Emotional Event (SEE) and is an example of an extreme form, but demonstrates just how easily, we are able to experience very strong emotions from the past as though we were back there, right now.

Phobia's are a typical type of SEE that people experience, and the beauty of Cognitive Hypnotherapy is that the emotional content can  almost be neutralised so that it no longer causes us such an issue. For many people, the time will come when they need to let go of the reactions that cause so much anxiety and stress for the body. By doing so they could find that things could be much calmer and more relaxed than they would have once believed.

Whilst I have had some help with this, I am happy to be reminded just how lucky we all were that awful night. But

Olympic Inspiration

As we come up to the end of the Olympics and the amazing spectacle of people coming together to cheer and celebrate all the athletes and their incredible feats of achievements, I was wondering how others many will have been inspired to take up a sport?

When I was younger I used to do so many different sports, 100m, 800m, 100m hurdles, javelin, netball and hockey, but I allowed life to get in the way, which meant it all came to a stop. Watching all those amazing young men and women has inspired and motivated me, in a way no one else has been able to. As I watched the rowing I  was reminded of kayaking down the river Thames a few years ago and how beautiful it was, and even though my first time on the river, how naturally it came to me; as I watched Jess Ennis complete the 100m hurdles, I wanted to be able to just run in a way that I used to and as for the swimming, well I have already enrolled back with a local swimming pool, and am looking forward to going for my first swim for a long time.

Being inspired and motivated sometimes needs others to encourage and grow that feeling within us. The Olympics being held here in London, combined with how well  Team GB has performed, I am sure, has probably  inspired a great many people in a way no event has done for a very long time. Now that is a legacy worth having. 

Well done to all the athletes, the volunteers, the different services and organisers who have made this something that we can proud of